Confessions of a Widow - Survivor's Guilt

A side effect that I developed after losing DT is guilt. There are triggers that often set this guilt off. Words, situations, day - that make me question every step I took.

Today I road with Tone to pick up his dad from treatment. His dad calls the treatments “getting charged up.” It made me smile but brought me back to a series of days where I didn’t feel like dialysis was “charging DT up” It felt like it was killing us.

It has been 5 years since I started learning to do hemodialysis. There were days I couldn’t or didn’t perform treatments for various reasons. Did it shortened his days left with us?

My mind has also made my birthday a trigger. Exactly six months prior to the day he died, I left him to go 1700 miles away. How did he feel? Did he feel I abandoned him? Was that fair? I wish I would have known I only had six months left. I would have stayed home.

Memories are sometimes not my friend. They point me back to dates, times, and situations that I wish I could change. Most days I am fine. I smile and go on. Other days I cry tears of enormous guilt.

Today I cry.