The Irony of Happiness

I remember thinking that after the first anniversary of losing DT, the second year would be easier. It isn’t. The first year is a blur of shock and adrenaline, and figuring out bills and places to escape from reality. This second year has been about settling into the new reality, the deep, quiet ache that is a constant.

Here's the strange dichotomy… that seems blasphemous to admit…I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

I know how that sounds. It sounds like a betrayal. It sounds like I’ve magically "moved on," or that my grief has somehow vanished. Neither is true. I still cry. But the deep, hollowed-out feeling has been replaced by something else—a fierce, almost desperate appreciation for living for today.

It’s ironic, right? It took the absolute worst thing that could happen to me to teach me how to live. To fully live!

When you lose the person who was the foundation of your world, everything else that remains suddenly becomes precious. The old me was always planning the next thing: the next vacation, the next home renovation, the next career milestone. I was constantly living two weeks, two months, or two years ahead.

The current me has learned that there might not be a "next." And it's liberating.

Now, my joy is found in the smallest, simplest moments.

I’ve stopped trying to collect memories for some future photo album and started simply experiencing them.

I want to be clear: this happiness isn't a cure for my grief. It’s more like a companion that walks beside it. My grief is the constant reminder of how beautiful and fragile life is, and that reminder fuels my new gratitude for life.

I am grieving my past and grateful for my present all at the same time. The appreciation for every passing moment—the light on the flowers, the conversation with strangers, the satisfaction of a task completed—has become my new way of honoring the life we had and the life I still have.

Yesterday I went to Stepping Stone Falls. It reminded me of being young and in awe of the fish, geese, and waterfalls. It reminded me of how free I felt in my youth. I posed like I was taking senior pictures. I left feeling full of love and life 💖