The heartbeat of dread

Tone had a bad day on vacation and my immediate reaction was fear.  

Sometimes I get overwhelmed and consumed with fear. I can feel my heart speeding up and my breathing becoming heavier and more difficult. Waves of emotion and anxiety fill my mind.

I dread this feeling. Death changed me. Until I experienced the helplessness and finality of losing someone I truly truly loved, I never experienced fear like this.

It literally drives me to tears with worry and pain.

Today I broke down. I desperately shared my story so that my inner thoughts didn’t drive me crazy.

I realized that I am not prepared for another big loss. That I am not mentally strong enough to go through it again. I don’t know if I will ever be. I know for sure though, that if something happens anytime soon, I will need to get help because I am not okay.