I choose ME...every time

Deciding to attend my father's funeral was a last minute decision. I didn't know how I would take it or how the family would take me being there. Midway through the service a family member made it clear - I am not apart of the family. One family member pointed at me and said that they would never forgive me.

It angered and agitated my soul. I decided to not go to the repass. Then another family member prayed with me and told that I couldn't let the devil win. So against my own judgement, I went to the church for the repass. As I was sitting talking to my stepmother I saw my cousin running towards me.

We fought. Twelve years worth of hate and anger...fought.

Then the family went on a social media war.

It was ugly. It was nasty. It was necessary.

People asked what was it about. It was about ME finally realizing that I truly don't belong. And accepting that. It’s about release. A release that frees me from the feeling of obligation. Them from feeling a need to choose sides, and Our family from pretending to hold on because "we are family"…

On social media, ​I read each post, taking in every word, truly seeing for the first time. My family is like a bucket of crabs, all of them, pulling each other down the moment one of us dares to climb. For years, I’d been trying to rise above it, somehow entangled in the endless drama, the petty jealousies, the unspoken resentments that simmered beneath the surface of every family gathering. But at my father's funeral, something shifted. It was like a switch flipped inside me. I was tired. Tired of the fighting, tired of the expectations, tired of being dragged back down every time I tried to rise. Tired of caring.

​In that moment, amidst the chaos and the grief, I made a decision. A quiet, resolute decision that felt both terrifying and exhilarating. I freed myself.

I blocked everyone. Both sides of my family. I broke the chains. I relieved everyone from the obligations of "family". I don't ever want anyone to have to choose. I took myself out of the equation. They can fight amongst themselves. I want out.

I was the outcast anyway. It is the sentiment whispered amongst the family. So I made it easier to say out loud. I am not part of the family. I am a lone wolf. I am a free woman. I am okay.

Grief and therapy taught me well. Born alone, die alone.

I free my family (& anyone else) who has to hide or lie that they choose me. Be free…I am ✨️