Anxiety. Attacks.

I have been able to move around by filling my time with things to do, so that I don’t feel.

This month has been a whirlwind of highs and lows. During the quiet times my mind replays this time in 2023…and my whole body aches reliving those days and nights.

Yesterday, I came across a picture that was taken on Mother's Day 2023. The picture is of DT and Lana, the baby. He had been sick and very weak. He told me he wanted to go to KC for Mother's Day so he could see how she was. I now know he was making sure she would be okay without him.

He was so happy and proud of his baby. He kept saying how proud he was of her and that she was going to be alright. I took a picture 2 years ago and labeled it “My heartbeats”…but my heart beats differently now.

I had to explain to my friend that I needed a little more patience during this time. My emotions are all over the place. I am restless and tired all at once. I have a feeling of dread. I have random anxiety attacks that cripple me.

I am digging into my prayer bag to keep me grounded and grateful. I am forcing myself to keep going and trust that this pain doesn’t last forever.

I am a widow 🥺